Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
He a real one for that
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else