I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
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This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition