People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
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I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I am patiently waiting for your email
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
😩😩😩
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
You are what you delete.