babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
TODAY
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I am, perchance
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.