Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
You Might Also Like
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair