I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.