Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
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Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me