I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
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If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.