Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
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I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.