Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]