Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
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I am patiently waiting for your email
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
hi why am I like this
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
okay run it by me one more time
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie