me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
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So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.