Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.