I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
*aggressively waits in line*
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
#ParentingFacts
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left