Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
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[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed