Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
put ‘er there pardner!
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.