Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
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I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish