This made me smile…
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My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Why is this me 😫
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up