How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”