“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
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My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”