The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
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me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)