I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
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Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.