Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
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Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Have a lovely day 😊
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.