How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
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If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
How it started: How it’s going:
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.