My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
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I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
*skinny dips into black hole
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.