i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
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People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons