-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break