Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You Might Also Like
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.