you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
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Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
wtf management?!
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows