I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
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I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.