When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
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WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”