When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
This did not end as expected.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.