Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Skills
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.