I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
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Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.