ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
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If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak