I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
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[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
LMAO
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Happy Halloween 🎃
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.