People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
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*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
stop
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary