A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
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When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!