torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Day 2 of my diet
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
This kinda thing happens to me often
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.