Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
peep davidson
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work