Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
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Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
bears
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
greetings!
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree