[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
You Might Also Like
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Oh my God.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”