The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
bias laundering edition
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails