If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
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The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
He a real one for that
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.