If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in