cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
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Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
💁🏻♂️
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce