A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing