Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I love art.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?