[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
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VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
A dad and his duck
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.