perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
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you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
shut up and take my money
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*